Letters
by TnR
Summary: When Kakashi's first edition of Icha Icha Paradise disappears while the copy-nin is on a mission, chaos ensues... As do letters about said book and... Tsunade's assets? o.O; Rated for language and Genma... And Gai.  !CRACK!


**Dear Genma,**

I'm writing this letter because recently Guy wrote me about some interesting rumors going on in Konoha while I'm away –you know of what I speak-. They better not be true.

**Hatake, Kakashi.**

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Dear Kakashi,

I swear I'm not molesting Tsunade-sama on a daily basis! I was just drunk that time! So was she! What self-respecting male wouldn't try to cop a feel!  
… Oh, wait. It's about the other one, isn't it? DAMNIT IT WASN'T ME THAT RAN OFF WITH YOUR FIRST EDITION ICHA ICHA! IT WAS ASUMA! SO DON'T KILL ME!

**- Genma**

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Dear Genma,

You should search for professional help you sick bastard… You better get me that first edition back and I swear if I can sniff smoke on there you'll need to sleep with your eyes open. Not even Tsunade's assets will be able to protect you from my wrath!

**Hatake, Kakashi.**

P.S. On a side note; were they real?

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Dear Kakashi,

But I'm telling you it wasn't me! And what am I going to do about the smoke! Asuma is a chain smoker! Though, I must say, I think he was working with someone else on it… But don't worry! I will find out who it was so please don't kill me!

**- Genma**

PS. Like you don't know that already…

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Dear Genma,

And I'm writing you that you're getting that first edition back for me! So I don't really give a damn how, so be a nice puppy and fetch me that book or I _will_.  
Now, on another side note, I hope you have been staying away from another person as well.

**Hatake, Kakashi.**

P.S. I have no idea what you're on about.

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Dear Kakashi,

It's a conspiracy! A conspiracy I tell you! So why me! You have a team of strong, curous ninja! They can do it too! I don't have my jounin duties to tend to! I don't have time to find a book!  
And do you mean Gai? Don't worry, he's alllll yours. Wouldn't want to go near him.

**Genma.**

PS. Suuuuuure you don't… Maybe you should remember last new years party…

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Dear Genma,

I just informed Tsunade about your so-called jounin duties and reminded her there was a C-ranked mission with that whiny old dude in the sand that needs attending to. I hope you enjoy the nights together there and those thousands of small tiny pieces of rocky sand up your crack.  
No, I don't mean Gai you moron, nor the kids you all likely want to molest.

**Hatake, Kakashi.**

P.S. Yes I still remember that party.

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Dear Kakashi,

What! That's cruel! Cruel I tell you! Speaking of sand, there was some sand at the crime sce- where the book used to be. I wonder why…  
And I don't molest kids, damnit! That girl said she was 18! How was I supposed to know it was actually Naruto in sexy-no-justsu!

**- Genma**

PS, Heck, who'd forget? You cupping a feel on Tsunade-sama and a drunk Gai sprouting crap on how he was your rival and would have to out-do you and thus full out groping her. Man, I remember him being in the hospital for nearly a month and Tsunade-sama refusing to heal him, hehe.

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Dear Genma,

Cruel you say? Get me my book back and I'll get Naruto on that mission.  
SAND! YOU GOT SAND ON MY PRECIOUS BOOKS! I'll make you go STRAIGHT to HELL!  
Oh man, you need help. Every moron, even _Gai_, knew that was Naruto.

**Hatake, Kakashi.**

P.S. Ah yes, the poor lad…

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Dear Kakashi,

I'm working on it! Geeze! I'm currently having Kiba on the case! ...Now, of course, for your _precious_ book, I would've normally gone straight to his sister, but unfortunately she wasn't there due to a mission and... I don't know, but after the last party her mother doesn't like me for some reason or another... Don't know why. God, I was so drunk that day...  
And come ON! You gotta admit that that jutsu looks friggin' hot! I mean, geeze! It's better then Sakura!

**- Genma**

PS. Don't say that. You didn't even send him flowers.

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Dear Genma,

Good boy, I'll be sure to have a bone for you when I get back. And dude, you totally *failed* to molest their mother in front of the whole jounin squad, of course she doesn't like you. No woman in her right mind would date your clumsy ass after some beverages.  
Sick... Sick... SICK PERVERTED... MIND YOU...

**Hatake, Kakashi.**

P.S. What, you seen the prices of the flowers that Ino girl sells? I wanted to pluck them from the field north to the city but this old lady had groceries and I had to help her carry them and then there was this kitten stuck in a tree after which I got lost on the road of life, You know how that goes!

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Dear Kakashi,

Wait, you're going to have a boner when you get back! Well, eh, gee, I mean, I'm flattered but, I dunno, you're too old for- no, wait, it's nothing with your age. It's just that I don't swing that way, you know? Like, I'm not gay, so eh... Really sorry about that but I'm going to have to reject you...  
AND THERE ARE PLENTY OF WOMAN THAT WANT TO GET WITH ME WHEN I'M DRUNK, DAMNIT! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HAVE ME!

**- Genma**

PS. Oh _come ON_. Everyone knows you spend your last money on the newest Icha Icha that month... And that you spend most of the month inside, reading it... re-reading it... re-re-reading it... And re-re-re-reading it some more... And then some...

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Dear Genma,

I suggest you get Anko to have a look at your eyes you might have lost your senbon somewhere... Now a bone refers to a piece of a skeleton and not the hidden tool you lost somewhere within your pants. I can assure you I have no sexual interest in you what so ever, so do keep your sick mind and your love for under aged boys to yourself.  
You seriously need to have your eyes checked, if you're referring to the time you jumped Raido and Iruka, claiming they were the prettiest ladies you had ever seen. No further comment.

**Hatake, Kakashi.**

P.S. You have no proof [anymore], at least I took the time to make sure of that too.  
I have no idea what you're on about.

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Dear Kakashi,

Now, hold on a minute there. It is _perfectly_ fine for you to be attracted to me. Hell, who wouldn't be? I mean... I'm sexy, I'm smart, sexy, a jounin and DAMN I'm sexy. Honestly, only blind people wouldn't be in love with me...  
I did NOT jump Raido and Iruka! I meant to jump the girls behind them but they just randomly popped up! It was an accident! An ACCIDENT!  
... Are you calling me a gay pedophile! I'm not! I'm not I tell you!

**- Genma**

PS. By the way, why is the Sand's hawk messenger sending your letters? Thought you were in grass?

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Dear Genma,

You and Gai would make such a lovely couple. That reminds me, Gai was very touched by your concern for the lack of flowers next to his sickbed, (he might have received the thought behind yours the wrong way) expect a visit from him soon.  
Oh we all know there were no girls behind them two, you were too drunk to even separate a mouse from an elephant.

**Hatake, Kakashi.**

P.S. It's passing through...

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Dear Kakashi,

THE HELL! LAST NIGHT GAI CAME INTO MY ROOM AND WENT GAY ON ME! I BARELY ESCAPED WITH MY ANAL-VIRGINITY INTACT! HE WAS GOING ON ABOUT YOUTHFUL LOVE! THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME! I'LL STAB YOUR SHARINGAN WITH THIS SENBON I SWEAR I WILL!  
Since you're in the sand, I _did_ mention to Kankurou that you wanted some experience with... puppets, however. Ofcourse, that wasn't revenge... Not at all...

**- Genma**

PS. ...You can't STILL be passing through. This is the third time I'm seeing that hawk already! Did you decide to live there or something! Because if you are, I'm telling Tsunade-sama on you.

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Dear Genma,

You should learn to set more traps around your apartment, you rely too much on the protection of your senbon even Naruto would have guessed that doesnt scare or intimidate Gai one bit. By the way, if you get dna stick of yours anywhere near my Sharingan I'll go a 1000 years of pain on your ass.  
Thank you for the heads up, the sand hawks are pretty fast and it arrived just in the nick of time, that reminds me, have you found my book yet?

**Hatake, Kakashi.**

P.S. I'm making arrangements for your c-rank mission, I don't want you screwing up and endangering the treaty I've been working on. Oh go cry in between her boobs you telltale!

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Dear Kakashi,

Look. I _know_ you want to get near to my ass, but... It's fine if you're gay, but let's set one thing straight; I'm not. Wait. I mean I _am. _Straight that is. Straight as a line, seriously.  
And I'm _on_ it! Heck, I even bought Kiba some dog buscuits to get him to work better! But the sand seems not to be from here, so it's hard to trace where it is...

**- Genma**

PS. I swear, if I'm getting that mission, not only will I FIND the book, but I'll STAB it with my senbon! Repeatedly! Many times! ...And I will.

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Dear Genma,

Currently in a battle [stop] guts and gore everywhere [stop] little time [dot]

**Hatake, Kakashi,**

P.S. I'm practicing what I'll do to you if you touch my book inappropriately.

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Dear Kakashi,

I hope they kill you.

**- Genma.**

PS. Painfully.

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Dear Genma,

I'm sorry to dissapoint.

**Hatake, Kakashi.**

P.S. Oh, that I promise you.

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Dear Kakashi,

... Damn.

**- Genma**

PS. ...Fuck.

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So~! Long time no write! =D;;; Well, that's mostly because we haven't really seen each other much lately either... ^^;;; But here we are again! With a new project for which we already have several chapters waiting~

For this chapter, Pikadaj has taken on the role of Genma while Nevergrass was Kakashi.


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